The Closed Circle of Being Unloved :Why Are There Women Whom Men “Do Not Love”?

Inspired by Galina Safonova’s publication.

A psychologist View on Female Psycho endocrinology

I am often asked :“Why are some women carried in men’s arms, while others receive only coldness, infidelity, or loneliness throughout their lives?

What is wrong with them? Is it a curse, karma, or psychology ?”

I answer honestly: it is all of it at once.

I am a woman, a magician, and a psychotherapist.

And I always see the world through two lenses:the clinical one — trauma, the nervous system, psycho endocrinology, and the magical one — karmic scripts, ancestral programs, and the ancestral “field.”

And in the topic of female “being unloved,” these two perspectives surprisingly describe the same mechanism.

Who Is “the Woman Whom Men Do Not Love”?

I am not speaking about objective reality, but about inner experience.

This may be a very attractive, intelligent, successful woman — yet she carries a repeating pattern:

• men disappear as soon as the relationship becomes serious;

• relationships exist, but love feels like crumbs from someone else’s table;

• she falls in love only with unavailable, married, or emotionally cold men;

• kind, reliable men “don’t attract her” — “something just doesn’t click”;

• marriage exists, but it feels like war or desert, not like partnership;

• sometimes there is no one at all — as if there is “no signal” directed her way.

She may say: “Men don’t love me,”but deeper inside this sounds like: “I am the one who cannot truly be loved.”

Now I will sit on two chairs at once — that of the psychotherapist and that of the magician — and show how both worlds describe the same mechanism, and how all of this becomes stitched into a woman’s nervous system and hormones.

The Psychotherapist’s View: The Father’s Lovelessness and the Ban on Intimacy.

The Father as the First Man.

In therapy, again and again, the same thing emerges: behind the adult story of “men don’t love me” stands a very early story of “my father didn’t love me” — or it was experienced that way.

There are many variations:

• the father was physically absent (left, died, lived separately, was “just somewhere”);

• he was present but emotionally cold, distant, always busy;

• he criticized and shamed: “you’re fat, who would ever want you,” “you’re stupid, who would marry you”;

• he drank, acted aggressively, inspired fear rather than safety;

• he loved conditionally: “you are a good girl when…” (obedient, successful, convenient).

The father is not only a concrete person. He is a template for how the male world relates to me.

If the father’s gaze was rejecting, devaluing, or absent, a very specific inner tuning forms in the girl’s body, and later in the woman:“There is something wrong with me. I am not someone who can be chosen and loved steadily and for a long time.”

What the Nervous System Does.

Then it is no longer about “karma punished me,” but about very clear neurobiology.

A child cannot say: “My father is emotionally immature and traumatized.”The child says with the body: “I am bad / feeling is dangerous / needing is dangerous.”

The nervous system adapts to chronic tension:

• the sympathetic system (“fight or flight”) remains slightly activated all the time;

• the parasympathetic system (“rest and bond”) works with interruptions;

• stress hormones — cortisol, adrenaline — become a familiar background of life.

Psycho endocrinology has long shown that:chronic childhood stress retunes the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis and the hypothalamic–pituitary–gonadal axis.

This means:

• the body becomes accustomed to living in anticipation of danger, not love;

• oxytocin (the hormone of bonding and trust) is released differently, and the woman literally cannot relax in contact;

• any relationship with a man activates not joy, but the background expectation:“Something will happen now. I will be abandoned or humiliated.”

How This Looks in Adult Relationships.

Thus the phenomenon of the “woman whom men do not love” is born — though it would be more accurate to say:a woman whose nervous system does not allow love in.

She:

• intuitively chooses emotionally unavailable men — they are familiar from her father;

• pushes away warm and reliable men — her nervous system finds them “boring,” unfamiliar;

• enters relationships from the position “you will leave anyway,” and unconsciously leads the situation to that outcome;

• tolerates humiliation just to keep some form of contact: “better this than nothing”;

• transmits micro-signals of mistrust, rigidity, and closure — and over time the man gives up.

When the man leaves, the nervous system fixates with relief:“I was right. Men don’t love me.”And the pattern becomes reinforced.

The Magician’s View: Karmic and Ancestral Programs.

Now I move to the second chair — that of the magician.

When I look at an “unloved” woman within the field of lineage and karma, I often see not only her personal story, but a pattern of repetition:

• in the female line — early widowhood, civil unions without official status, “mistresses but not wives”;

• in the male line — alcoholics, those lost in war, traitors, emotionally closed, cruel men;

• prohibitions: “Our women must not trust men,” “men are weak/dangerous”;

• vows: “I will never marry again,” “better to be alone than…” — spoken by great-grandmothers in despair.

From a magical perspective, all of this forms a lineage program —an energetic scenario in which each new member of the family seems to play an already written role.

For some this manifests as:

• a “crown of celibacy” — not folkloric, but energetic: the woman’s field is tuned so that men either do not see her as a partner, or see her but are carried away by the current;

• a self-sacrifice program: “my task is to carry others, not to receive”;

• a lineage vow “not to be happier than one’s mothers/sisters,” which makes happy relationships feel forbidden.

Where Magic and Science Meet.

Returning to the psychotherapist’s chair, the parallels become obvious.

What in magic is called a lineage program, psychology and biology describe as:

• intergenerational transmission of trauma (through upbringing, beliefs, and family scripts);

• epigenetic changes, where intense stress in ancestors affects gene regulation in descendants;

• the same retuned nervous and endocrine systems.

Simply put:A lineage program is not a mystical sentence, but a combination of real psychological and biological mechanisms that a magician perceives as an energetic pattern.

How It Is All Connected Through the Woman’s Nervous System.

Both perspectives converge at one point:the center of everything is the woman’s nervous system — and through it, the entire psychoendocrine system.

Psychoendocrinology in Simple Words.

Psycho endocrinology is the science of how psyche and hormones influence each other.

How I think and feel affects my hormones.How my hormones function affects how I think and feel.

Applied to our theme:

• if the nervous system lives in “danger mode,” cortisol is released more often;

• chronic stress affects the menstrual cycle, libido, and the ability to feel pleasure and softness;

• the balance of sex hormones — estrogens, progesterone, sometimes androgens — is disrupted, and the woman either “shuts down” or becomes rigid, irritable, hyper-controlling;

• sensitivity to oxytocin decreases, and trusting, melting, bonding become physiologically harder.

Now Add Magic.

If the lineage script says: “Men cannot be trusted,” the woman’s field constantly signals her nervous system: “do not relax.”If karmic experience includes betrayal or abandonment, hyper-vigilance is activated at the very entrance into any relationship.

And thus a closed circle of being unloved is formed:

field (magical level) → nervous system (bodily level) → hormones and behavior (psychoendocrinology) → real-life events (men leave, are cold, do not see her) → confirmation of the old script (both in psyche and in field).

Why This Feels Like the “Magic of Being Unloved”.

From the outside it may look mysterious: a woman is beautiful, intelligent, kind — yet men beside her either quickly fade away or disappear.

I call this the “Magic of Being Unloved” because her words, micro-facial expressions, gestures, hormonal background, and lineage field together create a very specific radiation:“I cannot be loved for long. It is unsafe with me. I myself do not believe I am worthy.”

And a man, even unconsciously, picks this up with his body. His own nervous system responds to her state — sometimes with a mirror trauma, sometimes with retreat.

Can the “Magic of Being Unloved” Be Removed Without Magic?

From here begins not a sentence, but a path.

I have seen these long circular routes. Sometimes they give results, more often unstable ones, because correcting the unconscious through consciousness is truly difficult — the brain avoids trauma and does not want to accept it.

Psychotherapy of “being unloved” begins with recognizing the father wound and forgiving oneself, then continues with conscious retuning of patterns — and only afterward comes the transition to “practical work,” that is, to living in a new way.

At the very end of therapy, a woman must honestly see:I myself go toward cold, unavailable, married men.And step by step she tries a different support — people with whom it is safe, even if at first it feels “not as bright.”

How the Magician’s Help Works.

1. Diagnosis of the lineage and karmic fieldIdentifying the repeating stories of the female line, the vows, myths, and energies living in the family and personal karma.

2. Rituals of untying and blessingConditionally speaking: removing vows, returning pain to the ancestors and taking not only trauma from there but also strength.

3. Work with the karmic scenarioMeditative practices, regressions, image work where you find the root — where you first believed that love equals pain or danger.

4. Retuning the field to a different signalNot magic “so that he returns,” but changing the inner radiation from “I cannot be loved” to “I am open to respectful, warm love.”

The Common Core: Teaching the Body to Love and Be Loved.

Both the psychotherapeutic and the magical paths ultimately lead to the same place:teaching the woman’s nervous system to tolerate not only pain and stress, but also joy, closeness, attention, and care.

This is a paradox few talk about:for many women, being loved is scarier than being ignored.

Because love:

• exposes vulnerability;

• breaks the old identity of “the one who is not loved”;

• requires trust — precisely what never existed in their experience.

• 
  

Therefore, when we “clean karma” and simultaneously “heal the nervous system,” we are doing the same thing: making space for a new experience.

Instead of a Conclusion: You Are Not “the One Who Is Unlovable”.

From my experience as a magician-psychotherapist:

There are no women who cannot be loved.There are women whose nervous systems lived too long in a world where love equaled pain, uncertainty, and rejection.There are lineages in which female happiness was forbidden.There are karmic stories whose lesson was survival, not tenderness.

But all of this is programming — not the essence of your Soul.

When we:

• acknowledge the father wound,

• see the ancestral pattern,

• treat our body and its hormonal reality with respect,

• and step by step give ourselves safe experiences of closeness,

the “magic of being unloved” weakens.

And in its place appears another magic — the magic of mature, warm, mutual love, in which you are no longer a victim of someone else’s choice, but a woman whose worth is no longer up for debate.

This is no fairy tale and no miracle.It is work — of the psyche, the soul, and the body.And it is worth it.